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Mar. 8th, 2011

I wonder sometimes if others experience emotions in the same way that I do, and it is simply my reactions to them which are abnormal, or if I truly experience these things in a different way than anyone else. I lean towards the former, as the latter is vain and unlikely, but there are times...

I choose not to be angry. I choose not to be worried. Sometimes, I choose to be happy. And it is not some sort of bullshit, "Oh you do things to make yourself that way" thing - I literally just decide to be happy sometimes, and can literally simply shut down my anger. Oftentimes, I experience no emotion at all - these last couple days, I've managed to almost completely shut myself off, and it was a late birthday present which brought emotion to my chest once more.

It is a strange world. Do most people walk around with no real emotion, only occaisionally feeling bursts of one thing or another, with the vast majority of their life simple neutrality? Do most people have a broader emotional range than I do? Is my default state actually neutrality, or am I actually what most people would consider happy, with giddy joy being so close and anger being so far away? Is it possible to even tell?

I often wonder these things (though the answer to the last is yes. Thank you brain scans!). They're interesting thoughts, and interesting to think about.

But if I am not abnormal, if my emotions are the same as anyone else's, why can so few simply switch off an emotion, and why do so few understand that you choose how you feel?


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 12th, 2011 10:10 pm (UTC)
Sounds like you're describing a relatively flat affect, and if having a flat affect (or being primarily neutral or choosing exactly which emotions to feel when) is normal, then you, sir, are normal and I am far from it. I can influence my emotions in some situations, but generally the way I feel is the way I feel, regardless of what I try to do to change it. My answer to these is time, time cures all ills, the good and the bad, and I feel pretty awful or awesome now, but I won't later.

I also tend towards happiness extremes. When something makes me really happy, it makes me REALLY HAPPY. It's quite often ridiculous. By the same token, when something makes me feel crappy, it makes me feel really crappy. When it comes to negative emotions, though, I'm more successful at keeping them in check, at being able to keep them in perspective and in tune with reality. Happy feelings can do what they want 'cause they feel good, but I do know how to cushion the bad when I need to. Which is not the same as being able to choose how I feel, because I still feel bad.

Given how most people behave and interact (especially where I work, dealing with "shitbags" - not my term, my coworkers'), most don't have a flat affect. Some control emotions better than others, some have no control whatsoever, but we don't really see flat or neutral people. Sounds like flat affect, which may not be common but isn't necessarily abnormal, though it is often listed as a sign for other abnormalities. Do you have any special voices only you can hear? ;)
Mar. 14th, 2011 07:44 am (UTC)
I don't really know when this happened; back before I joined the Guild, I was pretty emotionally netural in general. I had the period between 5 and 15 when I had zero dreams I remembered. And then at some point after college my emotional state became ridiculously controlled; I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but I think it was somewhere in the realm of late 2007/early 2008; I'm not certain if I could do it before then. Anger is incredibly fleeting now, as I can kill it quite rapidly, and a lot of my other negative emotions are quite rare. I almost never feel sad, either. Regarding depth of emotion, I can always remain in control.

As for hearing special voices - only when I'm on Skype :P
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )